Scars
by neptunexorion
Summary: Warning! Contains explicit content related to self harm and M/M sex. Very smutty, you've been warned! Oneshot. Slightly AU. Ianto can't handle the feelings he's having for Jack, and looks for ways to cope. What happens when Jack discovers these feelings?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction, so please bear that in mind. This story is basically a smut filled one-shot, but also deals with Ianto struggling with self-harm, which is why I listed it as slightly AU. It's not my intention to shame or disrespect anyone who deals with issues like this, as I have my self, which is where some of my inspiration comes from. Please review, even if it's a critique, since the only way for me to get better is for people to be honest! Hope you enjoy!**

**Again, you've been warned. **

**Note: The point of view may change as the story progresses, but for now it's 3****rd**** person with 1****st**** person thoughts in italics. **

"Oh, god Jack, Jack!"

Ianto was lying in his bed, naked with and handful of cum and sticky sheets. He lay there panting after just coming down from a wonderful orgasm. In private, in the dark, he could fantasize freely although the shame and the guilt over the feelings that he had were enough to bring him back to reality fairly quickly.

"Fuck Ianto, what are you doing? Wanking while thinking about a bloke? What is wrong with you?" he muttered out loud to himself. He quickly got out of bed and went into the bathroom to shower. As he stood there in the hot water he let the tears flow freely down his cheeks, while feeling disgusted and ashamed. He couldn't understand why he thought about this man so much, and even worse, why most of those thought involved removing pieces of clothing from him and imagining what he looked like naked. Or what it would feel like to run his fingers over that chiselled torso. Would it be hard or soft? Speaking of hard or soft….well speaking of hard….

"Shit!" he exclaimed and turned off the water. He grabbed a towel and went into his living room. He poured himself a shot of Jack (pun fully intended) and downed it fast. He still couldn't seem to shut his mind off, the images and feelings still racing in his mind. He sat down of the sofa, contemplating. He knew what would help stop it, but he hated himself for doing it. He felt like a stupid teenage girl when he did it. Grown men should be able to deal, not resort to this. He reached over to a side table and opened the drawer on it. He pulled out a blackened, bent fork and a lighter. He lit the lighter, and held the fork over it for several seconds. Then, he quickly proceeded to hold the fork over the skin of his bicep, and pressed down.

Ianto cried out in pain and quickly removed the fork before it stuck to his skin. He looked down to see four red lines standing out against his pale skin, amongst dozens of identical scars, since this wasn't the first time. Feeling temporary, but not quite full relief, he repeated the process. After twelve of these lines had made their way onto his skin, he quickly got dressed-jeans and a sweater, nothing fancy and went out for a walk. He walked until he was exhausted, went home and collapsed on his bed in sleep. These breakdowns of his were becoming more and more common, and he was running out of ways to cope.

"Ianto where's my coffee?" shouted Jack. "What are you doing down there"?

Ianto snapped out of his daydream and quickly finished making Jack's coffee. He hurried up the stairs and into Jack's office. "Sorry sir" he replied, "the machine didn't wanted to cooperate today".

"Uh-huh" muttered Jack. He knew Ianto was lying. Ianto never had problems with the coffee machine. Or problems with anything actually. Ianto always seemed so calm and composed, never getting flustered. So why now? Come to think of it, Jack had noticed some odd changes in Ianto over the past few months. While he still did he job wonderfully, he always seemed exhausted and even more closed off than normal. He also noticed that Ianto wouldn't stand close to him, almost as if he was shying away and even avoiding him. Jack was determined to get to the bottom of things. It was fine for his employees to have secrets, so long as he knew about them.

"Hey Ianto, what would you say to getting a drink after work?"

"I'd say what's the occasion sir? And who all is coming?"

"Just us. I have some things to discuss and you look like you could use a night out" said Jack.

"Fine sir. Where should I meet you?"

They agreed on a place and time and Ianto left Jack's office. He proceeded to the restroom and locked himself in a stall. He sat down on the toilet seat and tried to calm his breathing and the choked sobs breaking through. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small chuck of leather. He pulled out the razor blade that was concealed within it. He pulled up his leg and slid the leg of his trousers up, exposing the skin of his calf. _God, the boss looked great today._ Cut. _And he smelled so good._ Cut. _I wonder what he looks like with his shirt off. _Cut. _Maybe after drinks we can go back to my place._ Cut.

Ianto looked down and realized some blood was trailing down towards his sock. Not wanting to make a mess, and more importantly not wanting to get caught, he quickly removed his shoe and sock and tied it around the bleeding skin. He had extras in his desk, and ruining one was better than staining his trousers and having Owen or Jack notice the blood. That would raise too many questions he just wasn't ready for. He sat there for a few minutes, trying to regain composure and both dreading and anticipating the night to come.

After ordering their drinks, Ianto (who had since gone home and changed into jeans and a sweater) and Jack (who looked the same as ever) sat across from each other in the dimly lit pub. It was full of blokes watching football and shouting over one another, so they went mostly unnoticed. Ianto was absent mindedly fiddling with a coaster, and Jack watched him intently. He was sad he'd changed, he looked so hot in that suit. Their drinks arrived, and Jack began.

"So Ianto, how've you been?" Jack asked.

"Fine sir" replied Ianto, taking a noticeably large swig of his beer.

"You don't look fine. Talk to me Ianto. You look exhausted. When was the last time you had a good night sleep?"

"Last night sir. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine, really" Ianto pushed. He didn't want Jack prying like this. What if he found out? About the cutting? Even worse, what if he found out Ianto had a crush on him? He would probably laugh in his face, or fire him, or be repulsed by him. Ianto couldn't let that happen. God he smells good…and those eyes….Ianto swallowed hard and took another swig of his beer.

"Cut the crap Ianto. I've been around a lot longer than you. I notice when my employees start acting strangely. Why won't you just talk to me?" Jack was almost pleading for the younger man to let him in. He looked so lost, so lonely and so….sad. But also hot. He was definitely hot.

"Be right back sir, gotta piss" Ianto said. He stood up from the table and made a beeline to the restroom. He quickly looked around and realized the only stall was occupied. _Shit!_ He pulled the razor blade from his pocket and rolled up his sleeve. He usually avoided his lower arms, but he was in a hurry. Just as he was making the first cut, Jack walked in.

"Jesus Christ Ianto! What the hell are you doing?" Jack exclaimed.

"Nothing sir" Ianto mumbled and rushed past Jack out the door, dropping the razor blade on the floor as he went.

"Ianto wait!" Jack called as he ran after Ianto, following him outside.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ Ianto thought to himself as he ran. He didn't really know where he was going, he just had to get away. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he ran. _Great, now I'll have to quit. Why was I so stupid? Why did it have to be him? It could have been Gwen or Tosh by why did it have to be him? Him, with his stupid braces and button-up shirts and that stupid military coat. Oh, god the coat. _If he wasn't so angry and embarrassed he might have been aroused. His breath was catching in his throat, and his legs were burning. He slowed his pace and ran into an alley, collapsing, sobbing against the wall, burrowing his head into his hands and pulling his knees up against him.

He was so broken down and upset that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching. Jack paused about five feet from Ianto and studied him for a moment. He hadn't realized how thin he was. And Jack was angry. Angry that he was so ignorant that the chipper, sassy young man had been reduced to a frail, fragile weeping mess on the pavement. _Why, Ianto? What could be so bad?_ He finally sat down next to him, and put an arm around his shoulders. Ianto leaned against Jack but continued to sob. Jack just sat there and waited. After several minutes, Ianto's sobs began to slow. Eventually, he was just shaking, but no tears were coming out. Once his breathing began to slow, he finally spoke.

"I think I'd like to go home now" he whispered.

Jack, without saying anything, helped the young man to his feet. After walking back to the bar, Jack motioned for Ianto to get into his car. Jack got into the driver's side and proceeded to take the young man home.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They arrived at Ianto's and got out of the car. Jack, still silent, followed Ianto up to his house. Ianto trembled as he removed his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. He flicked on the lights and Jack followed him inside, closing the door behind him. Ianto shrugged of his jacket and tossed on the sofa, which Jack thought was a bit uncharacteristic of him since he's usually so neat. Jack followed suit and tossed his jacket alongside Ianto's, and took a seat on one end of the sofa. Ianto was busy in the kitchen pouring a drink for Jack and himself. Ianto returned and placed Jack's drink in front of him before taking a seat on the other end of the sofa. They sat in silence for what seemed like forever, nursing their drinks before Jack finally spoke.

"What's going on Ianto?" Jack asked. "And I want the truth."

_Fuck!_ Thought Ianto. _I'm probably fired anyways, since the boss most likely thinks I'm insane. Might as well just tell him and be done with it. Maybe then he'll leave me alone to wallow in the shards of my dignity._ "It's hard to explain."

"Well try" said Jack. "How long have you been harming yourself?"

"Since I was in my late teens. I don't remember exactly how it started really, and at first it wasn't much. Maybe once every few months, and the cuts were always tiny. I made sure to hide it as well as I could. Then, the stress and anxiety kept getting worse. I started doing it more and more, and eventually started burning as well as cutting. There's some substance abuse here and there, anything to dull the pain really. Then my sister found out. She basically told me to man the fuck up and quit acting like an emotional sixteen year old girl. So I left. I eventually got the job at Torchwood in London, and you know the rest of the story really."

"Ianto, I know this job can seem stressful, but you still didn't explain to me why you do this. Why haven't you talked to anyone, talked to me? If I knew this was going on…" Jack stopped himself.

"You'd what Jack? Lock me away for being crazy, or have Owen fawn over me all concerned? Or better yet, sack and Retcon me since I obviously can't handle the job. I do it because it stops me Jack. It stops me from thinking, from feeling, from hurting, at least temporarily anyways. Not that I could ever talk to you, not since you're the reason I do this, well right now anyways. And it's not you Jack, you're wonderful. It's these feelings that I have for you. I don't even know what they are or what they mean. I'm not some sort of queer, and I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out. If you want to leave or sack me or whatever that's fine, I'll understand." Ianto released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I'm not leaving. And I'm definitely not firing you. And I understand your feelings, because I have them too. Not that I'm queer either, per se, just a little more relaxed about what's below the belt. I do know that you haven't been okay for a while now, and I want to help. Whatever you need I'm here."

Ianto looked over at Jack. _God he's gorgeous. _"Can you….kiss me?" _I can't believe I just said that._

"Can I what?" Jack asked, surprised but flattered by the request.

"Nevermind." Fuck, what the hell was that?! Asking him to kiss you, have you gone completely mental? I can't believe you actually said that. How stupid-

Ianto's inner monologue was cut short as he felt Jack's lips on his. He wasn;t quite sure when the distance between them had closed, and he didn't really care. It felt amazing. Jack was kissing him slow and gentle, not wanting to rush into too much too soon. Ianto gave in, relishing in the contact. It was better than he imagined, and he felt stiffening down below. All of a sudden he broke away and quickly stood up, running his fingers through his hair and cursing quietly to himself.

"What's wrong?" asked Jack.

"I told you I'm not some kind of queer Jack!" Ianto shouted at him.

"You asked me to kiss you."

"I know, and it was stupid."

Jack got up and stood across from Ianto. He put his hand on his shoulders, forcing the other man to face him. "Look at me." Jack commanded. Ianto looked up into Jack's eyes. "There is nothing, I repeat, **nothing** wrong with you. You can't help the way you feel. And being attracted to me doesn't make you queer. It makes you human. I mean not that I blame you really, with these eyes and chiselled jaw line-

Ianto stopped Jack with a kiss. Jack pulled back and looked into Ianto's eyes, silently asking him if it was okay to continue. Ianto nodded slightly, and Jack kissed Ianto back, hard. He reached one hand up into Ianto's hair and put the other on the small of his back, pulling him closer. Ianto wrapped both hands around Jack's neck, pulling him in. Jack pried open Ianto's mouth with his and let his tongue venture inside. Ianto moaned, deep as he caressed Jack's tongue with his. Jack backed Ianto up against the wall so they were impossibly close. Ianto could feel the heat from Jack's body up against him; he could feel his heart racing, his breathing, he could also feel his-

Ianto stopped and leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. Jack pulled back slightly and looked at Ianto. Ianto was suddenly aware of his own erection, growing inside of his pants. He took another deep breath. _What are you doing Ianto? What happens if this goes farther? Think you're really going to be able to take it up the ass? But god, it felt so good kissing Jack. Felt so right, like I've been waiting for it forever. Maybe I have. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing. But what if it hurts? And I've never been with a bloke before, much less one as experienced as Jack. What if he laughs at me? What if I'm no good at it?_

"You okay Ianto?" asked Jack. "You drifted off on me for a minute there. If this is too much, we don't have to do anything. We can go back to being coworkers, and pretend this never happened. Or we can try another time."

"No." said Ianto. "I'll be okay. Can we just take it slow? No offence, you're really hot and all, but the thought of being with you terrifies the shit out of me."

"No problem" replied Jack. "But would you be okay if we moved to the bedroom? It's a little more comfortable there."

Ianto nodded and Jack leaned in for another deep kiss before pulling away. He grabbed Ianto's hand, kissed it gently, and proceeded to lead Ianto down the hall into the bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks so much to all those who are following the story! I'm truly honored. Sorry this chapter took at bit longer, I've been busy and I want to make sure it was good instead of rushing it. In response to Ianto's past: I purposefully haven't delved into that yet, but I do plan on expanding it in future chapters, as well as adding more details on why he is the way he is. I want this to focus more on the Jack/Ianto relationship then the past and self-harm, but it will remain prevalent in the chapters to come. **

**This chapter is very smutty. Fair warning!**

Chapter 3

"I'm scared Jack" Ianto whispered. "I want to do this. I really do. But I've never been with a man before and the thought of it terrifies and repulses me. Not to say that you terrify or repulse me it's just that-"

Jack stopped him with a kiss. "There's no need to feel scared, Ianto. I'll take care of you. Remember, I'll always stop the second you ask. I don't want to do anything you're not okay with."

Jack placed his hand on Ianto's chest. He knew that he would have to go very, very slow with him and ease him into being okay with being touched, and more importantly, ease him into the idea of being touched by a man. He then reached down and grabbed Ianto's hand and placed it on his chest.

"Still scared?" Jack asked.

"Not so much. This isn't too bad"

Jack then reached down for Ianto's other hand and placed it on his own chest, and then did the same with his. They now both had their hands on each other.

"Now close your eyes" Jack instructed. "Touch me wherever and however you like. I'll mirror your actions on you. You have complete control. Focus on the touch, Ianto, and keep your eyes closed."

Ianto took a shaky breath in and after a few moments of looking reassuringly into Jack's eyes, he closed his own. He then slowly proceeded to run his hands slowly up and down over Jack's chest. He did this for a few moments while Jack imitated his actions. He then moved up and started massaging Jack's shoulders, and then proceeded to run his fingers up and down Jack's arms, feeling his muscles through his shirt. He then reached around to stroke Jack's lower back, working his way up his shoulders and then running his fingers up through Jack's hair, tugging gently. They moaned almost simultaneously at that gesture. Then, Ianto started to feel a little braver and leaned into kiss Jack. Jack met him eagerly, and soon they were full-on groping. Ianto was so busy focusing on Jack's hands, Jack's touch, that he started to forget how nervous he was, instead focusing on how amazing all of this felt. He then reached down to pull off Jack's shirt. Jack put his hands on Ianto's to stop him.

"Why'd you do that?" Ianto asked, opening his eyes to look at Jack.

"You first." Jack replied.

Ianto swallowed hard as Jack reached down to lift up his shirt. Ianto raised his arms, slightly puzzled as Jack left it over his head, blindfolding him.

"No peeking." Jack ordered light heartedly. "I want you to enjoy this."

Jack knew that if he could get Ianto to trust him this way, he would hopefully reciprocate, and more importantly, enjoy himself. If he enjoyed it, then hopefully he would focus on that and not his fears and inhibitions.

He gently pushed Ianto down so he was lying on his back, head covered and arms trapped. He then very carefully straddled Ianto, slowly as not to shock him and proceeded to place his hands on Ianto's chest, rubbing and massaging. He could hear Ianto's heavy breathing through his shirt. _God, that's hot. He's so beautiful. I have so many things that I want to do to him._ He continued his caresses, and then proceeded to place feather-like kisses on the skin he'd already touched. He kissed Ianto's chest, nipples and collarbone before working his way up to Ianto's neck. Ianto's breathing quickened to almost panting as Jack placed slow, wet kisses on his neck followed by cool breaths of air. He repeated this all the way down, paying attention of every inch of Ianto's skin. He could feel the other man's erection through his trousers, and after what seemed like hours, Jack finally reached down to release the young man's erection. Even though he received no protest, he still thought he'd better ask.

"You sure you're okay with this?" Jack asked.

"God yes!" Ianto breathed. "Just be gentle, Jack."

Ianto was in heaven. All those times he had fantasized about Jack sucking his cock, he couldn't believe it was actually happening. Jack had unzipped and removed Ianto's trousers, leaving only his underpants remaining between them. Jack gently grabbed Ianto's cock through the material and squeezed gently. Ianto moaned. He placed his mouth over the material and his cock, teasing him further.

"Please Jack!" Ianto almost whined.

Jack reached up and grabbed the waistband of Ianto's boxers, removing them all the way. Then he paused for a moment to look at him, and once again appreciate how beautiful he really was. He grabbed Ianto's cock with one hand and began to stroke. After a few moments he placed his mouth on him, taking almost all of Ianto's length. Ianto was moaning loudly now, not worried about how he sounded. All he could feel was Jack's mouth hard at work, and it felt wonderful. He'd never had a blowjob this good before. All too soon, he could feel that he was close.

"Jack, I'm coming!" Ianto screamed. He felt the most wonderful release, and Jack took everything Ianto had to give him. As soon as he was finished Jack crawled up Ianto's body and pulled his shirt off of his head and threw it to the floor. He then kissed him passionately. Finally, he rolled of Ianto and lay at his side.

"How was that?" Jack asked.

"Incredible! There's just one problem."

"What's wrong?" Jack asked, worried.

"You have entirely too many clothes on" Ianto smirked and proceeded to roll Jack onto his back and straddled him.

"My turn" he whispered, and leaned down to kiss Jack.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry this took so long! I apologize if there is anyone who's been waiting; I have a lot on my plate! I appreciate all the follows and reviews, keep 'em coming! Still in the evening portions, I will get to back story and such later on. This chapter is again very smutty, so again be warned! **

Chapter 4

Jack looked up at Ianto, anticipating what he would do next but thrilled that Ianto had gained some confidence and was willing to take the lead for a while. Ianto reached down to tug at Jack's shirt and went to pull it over his head. He left it over Jack's head as he had, and Ianto was less intimidated this way, since Jack wasn't staring at him. Jack chuckled.

"Copying me are you?" he said.

Ianto just smirked and went to work caressing Jack's chest. He let his fingers glide over Jack's chest, up his arms, down to his stomach and sides. He then proceeded to place kisses on the skin he had just touched. Jack's breathing increased-he was loving the attention. Ianto was encouraged by this, and increased his pace, as well as starting to suck and nip at the skin. He took Jack's nipples into his mouth one at a time and sucked gently at first, and then lightly bit them and flicked them with his tongue. Jack moaned and arched up closer to Ianto. Ianto felt like he should keep going, Jack's writhing and moaning spurring him on. Ianto had a slight moment of hesitation-he'd never given a blow job before. _What if I'm shit at it?_

"You'll be fine" Jack encouraged, sensing Ianto's hesitation. "Same plumbing. Do what feels right to you. I'll guide you from there. Just watch the teeth. We can stop if you're uncomfortable."

"No, I'm fine." Ianto replied. "I want to do this. I've always wondered what you looked like without a shirt. Now I'm too curious to stop here!"

Jack laughed and Ianto resumed kissing Jack's stomach and went to work on his zipper. He slid Jack's trousers down and admired the sizeable bulge in his pants. He reached down and brushed his fingers across it. Jack shuddered. Ianto bent down to kiss him through his pants, while running his hands up and down Jack's thighs. He reached up to grab the waistband and pulled down, freeing Jack's impressive length. Ianto took a deep breath and took a moment to take in Jack-all of him-and it was impressive. Better than he'd ever imagined. He reached down and grasped Jack's cock and began to stroke. Jack started to moan.

"That's right Ianto, keep going!" Jack breathed.

Ianto quickened his pace, enjoying the power he had over Jack. It was an incredible feeling, since Jack was always the one with the power. Feeling more confident, Ianto placed his mouth over the head of Jack's cock and sucked. Jack moaned loudly shuddered. Ianto continued to suck and tug on Jack's cock, making his impressive length even more impressive. Jack continued to moan and writhe beneath Ianto-he never thought someone so inexperienced could give such good head.

"Umm…Jack?" Ianto asked after several minutes. "I thought you were going to guide me."

"Sorry Ianto, but I don't think you need it, this is pretty damn perfect. I'll tell you when to stop though, since I don't want to come yet." Jack replied.

Ianto continued, loving that he could pleasure Jack this way, but craving his hands back on him all the same. His erection throbbed; pleasuring Jack had made him so hard.

Just then Jack stated "Okay Ianto, that's enough. Take my shirt off so I can touch you again."

Ianto obliged and pulled Jack's shirt off. Almost immediately, Jack grabbed Ianto and pulled him in for a deep, passionate kiss. He ran his hands through Ianto's hair and down his back. Ianto let his body rest on Jack's, wanting them to be as close as possible. He could feel Jack's cock against his own. He gasped.

"God Jack! You're incredible! I don't want to stop touching you."

"I know." Jack chuckled. "Must be the jaw line. The things I want to do to you, Ianto Jones."

"What kind of things?" Ianto asked, struggling a bit with the words since Jack was kissing behind his ear and neck.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Jack teased, and flipped them over so Jack was on top of Ianto.

They continued to kiss for a while longer, both getting hotter and hornier the more they progressed. Eventually Jack took Ianto's earlobe between his teeth and tugged gently. He then ran his tongue around the rim of Ianto's ear before he whispered:

"Roll over and I'll show you."

**A/N: Hopefully you enjoyed that-I bet you can guess what happens next. This was going to originally be one big chapter, but I thought it'd be better to split it up and go into further detail!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I know I keep apologizing for the delays-this one was really bad. It's surprising how getting a degree and working full time eat up the days. Hopefully I'll make it up to you guys with this chapter! Keep the reviews coming-and thanks to those who've followed/favourited!**

Chapter 5

_OHMYGOD. This is really happening. _Ianto shook with fear and anticipation as he rolled over onto his stomach. Jack, noticing that Ianto had begun to tense, whispered in his ear:

"Don't worry Ianto-we'll take this slow. I don't want to hurt you-and I definitely don't want you to be afraid. I want you to enjoy this."

Jack kissed the back of Ianto's neck and crawled over top of him. He then proceeded to slowly run his tongue all the way down Ianto's spine-stopping at his tailbone.

"Umm…Jack" Ianto asked, "What exactly are you doing?"

"It's called rimming Ianto, just trust me-you'll love it."

Turns out Ianto did in fact enjoy rimming. Well, enjoy is putting it lightly. He currently felt like his insides were going to explode in a wave of pleasure that was sure to see him melt into the mattress completely. In a few short minutes, he had forgot that he was nervous, or shy or the fact that he had never been with a man. He was blissfully ignorant-thoroughly enjoying Jack's ministrations-until now. Jack had pulled away and was kissing back up Ianto's back.

"Face me again Ianto. I want you looking at me while we do this"

Ianto swallowed and took a few moments to compose himself. _We've already come this far-don't be a pussy. _Ianto rolled over and faced Jack. Jack leaned down and began to kiss Ianto passionately. Ianto didn't even notice Jack reaching down into his pants pocket to pull out a small bottle of lube and a condom.

"You carry that stuff around?" Ianto asked as he saw what Jack had.

"Ya, well you never know." Jack winked at him. He opened the lube, poured some into his hand, and coated two fingers with it. He then took Ianto's legs and put them up on his shoulder. Ianto began to tremble.

"Slow ya?" Ianto asked nervously.

"Don't worry-we're starting with fingers first. Got to get you ready. Just relax." Jack replied.

He leaned down and resumed kissing Ianto. He caressed the outside of Ianto's thigh, and slowly moved his hand inwards. He passed for a few moments to make sure Ianto wasn't going to back out and slid a finger inside Ianto. Ianto moaned-it didn't exactly hurt, it was just sort of-strange. Jack began to slide his finger in and out of Ianto, all while maintaining his passionate kissing. He wanted Ianto to relax-this wasn't going to work if he was tense-the kissing seemed to keep him at ease. After a few moments Jack slid in another finger and began to stretch Ianto even further, pushing in deep and quickening his pace. Ianto was trying to moan, kiss and breathe at the same time-it was becoming a bit much-but he wanted more. Wanted Jack. Wanted this. So rather than stopping, he turned his head to the side to try and catch his breath. Jack continued kissing Ianto's neck and working him with his fingers.

After a short while Ianto was squirming beneath Jack. He felt like he was going to fall apart.

"Jack! I'm going to come!" Ianto breathed. He didn't think he was going to hold out much longer. Jack quickened the pace, wanting Ianto to come, wanting to make him squirm. Ianto's breathing quickened, and he moaned as he felt his release. Jack bent down and lapped up some of the mess, and reached back up to kiss Ianto. Ianto could taste himself on Jack.

While Ianto was recovering, Jack applied more lube to his fingers and spread it around Ianto's entrance. He then reached over and opened the condom and applied it to his length. While Ianto was still quivering with aftershocks, Jack positioned himself near Ianto's entrance, waiting.

Ianto looked up at Jack and nodded. He wanted nothing more in this moment than Jack inside of him. "Do it." He whispered, gritting his teeth. Jack bent down to give Ianto one final kiss before pushing in, slowly.

"OH FUCKKKKK!" Ianto yelled. It was both ecstasy and torture. He finally had Jack inside him. It was wonderful. And painful.

"Jack it hurts!" Ianto whimpered.

"I know Ianto, I'm sorry. It won't hurt long." Jack leaned down and kissed Ianto, desperate to try and take some of the pain away. As he kissed Ianto he pushed in farther, finally brushing against the other man's prostate. Ianto half moaned, half screamed when this happened.

"Oh god yes! Fuck me Jack, fuck me hard!"

Jack obliged, and sped up the pace. By this point they were both moaning, Jack kissing Ianto's mouth/neck, and Ianto digging his hands into Jack's back hard enough to break skin. Jack all of a sudden pulled his head up.

"Look at me Ianto. I want you looking at me when we come."

Ianto hadn't realized how close he was until Jack mentioned it.

"Oh god Jack! I'm so fucking close!"

"Me too Ianto, just a few more moments. Don't stop looking at me."

Jack reached under Ianto and lifted his shoulders. He held him as tight as he could, thrusting hard and deep into Ianto. Ianto continued to look into Jack's eyes, their breathing quickening as they came together.

Ianto collapsed back onto the bed. Jack lay on top of him for a few moments. He couldn't move; he was seeing starts. It'd been awhile since he'd had a shag like that. After several minutes he pulled out of Ianto and pulled off the condom. He tied it in a knot at the top and tossed it on the floor-he'd pick it up later. He laid back down on the bed on his back and reached over and pulled Ianto onto his chest. The two men lay together, utterly spent. Jack was stroking Ianto's back and arm lazily.

"What are you thinking about?" Jack asked.

"Nothing much. That was incredible Jack-I never imagined sex like that would feel so good."

"It was incredible-I haven't had a shag like that in years!" Jack smiled.

_Is that all I am to him? A shag? _

Ianto shrugged and kissed Jack's chest. "I need a shower."

"Sounds like a wonderful idea." Jack replied, and followed Ianto into the bathroom.

**Hope you all liked it! The evening's not quite over yet! Still quite a few chapters to come! I'll try and be quicker about it this time! **** Cheers! **


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Jack followed Ianto into the washroom, staring at his gorgeous ass the entire way. Ianto turned on the shower and pulled curtain across. He stepped in, and Jack followed. Ianto backed into the water, relishing the feel of it pounding on his shoulders. Jack followed him in and kissed him passionately. They stayed like that for minutes, under the torrent of the water. Finally, Ianto broke away. He reached for a bar of soap. He lathered up his hands and began massaging Jack's chest, stomach, arms and other….places. Jack picked up the soap, and followed suit. _Who knew getting clean could be so erotic?_ Ianto thought. He rinsed himself off and docey-doed around Jack so he could do the same.

Jack wanted nothing more than to fuck Ianto again. He didn't want to push it though, and he wanted to give the other man time to recover; he had to be sore. Jack finished washing off and turned off the water. Ianto pulled back the curtain and reached for two towels. He passed one to Jack and stepped out of the shower to dry himself off. Jack started drying himself as well. He was watching Ianto intently. He'd seen the scars, obviously while the two of them had made love- yes made love-even though he wasn't ready to fully admit to himself what they had done-but under the pale light of the bathroom, they were even more visible. He couldn't believe that he had been so goddam blind. He didn't want to ruin the high they were both on, so he grabbed Ianto and pulled him close.

"Don't you dare put any clothes on, Ianto Jones" Jack whispered. "I've been wondering since you started at work what you looked like under all those clothes."

So Jack had been curious about him. _Maybe this isn't totally one sided_. But Ianto was afraid to get too hopeful.

"As you wish sir." Ianto kissed Jack, and then headed back towards the bedroom, Jack in tow.

The two of them curled up in bed together, and began to drift off to sleep.

"Jack?"

"Yes Ianto?" Jack replied, half asleep.

"I'm glad you invited me for that drink tonight"

"Me too, Ianto. Me too."

Moments later, Jack was snoring softly. Ianto could feel himself drifting as well. Just as he was almost asleep, the flashes began.

He could see his face. He could always see his face. There hadn't been a time since the incident that he didn't.

"Where do you think you're going?" the voice shouted after Ianto. Ianto shoved his head into the pillow and tried to focus on Jack's arms around him, tried to block out the noise. After several more minutes he couldn't take it any longer. There were others now, they all started flooding in eventually. He slid out of bed quietly as to not disturb Jack. He pulled on his boxers and went out into the living room. He grabbed a razor blade from the side table and proceeded to make several deep horizontal incisions in his upper forearm-he didn't care where they were at this point. He couldn't stop the voices, the images, the shouting, the feelings. He didn't even bother to try and slow or tidy the blood that was trickling down his arm. But it wasn't enough. He reached over and grabbed his bottle of Jack. He downed a large shot out of the bottle, not bothering with a glass. It still wasn't enough. He placed several more cuts into his arm before relief and exhaustion finally set in, and the voices in his head finally started to shut up. He drifted to sleep on the sofa, with his arm hanging over the edge and trickling blood.

Jack awoke. It was still dark outside, he couldn't have been sleeping that long. He reached over to pull Ianto close-and realized he wasn't there. Fuck! Thought Jack. He got out of bed and pulled on his shorts. He went to go look for Ianto. He wandered into the living room and was horrified about what he saw.

"Ianto! Ianto!" Jack rushed over to the sofa and crouched by Ianto's head, desperately trying to wake the other man up. His arm and the floor were covered in blood. Ianto's eyelids fluttered and he turned to look up at Jack.

"What's wrong Jack?" Ianto muttered and closed his eyes again.

"No don't do that! Stay with me Ianto! Open your eyes!" Jack shouted at Ianto. He rushed into the bathroom to grab a first aid kit and some towels. He returned, and wrapped Ianto's arm in gauze. He applied pressure tight, and pulled Ianto into a sitting position, sitting next to him on the sofa. Ianto was slightly more alert, and he leaned against Jack.

"What are you doing?" Ianto whined. "Why couldn't you just let me sleep?"

"I'm trying to keep you from bleeding to death Ianto. What they hell were you thinking?"

"I had to make them stop Jack. They never stop."

"Who never stops? Ianto answer me!" Jack commanded.

"It's not important; I'm not bleeding to death. Now calm down" Ianto said calmly.

"Calm down?!" Jack asked. But Ianto was already getting to his feet. Jack held him tightly.

"Let's just go back to bed." Ianto replied. He allowed Jack to help him back into the bedroom, where they got back into bed. Jack pulled Ianto close-he refused to fall asleep or let go of Ianto again. Within moments, the young man was sound asleep. Jack kissed his back tenderly, and started to cry. _Ianto! My poor, poor Ianto! What the hell happened to you? This has to stop-I couldn't bear to lose you! _

That last thought surprised even Jack. He cared about all his employees, he always had. But he couldn't help feeling that maybe he cared for Ianto just a little bit more; more than he realized.

**A/N: Sorry it got darker, but this is a darker story. All will be explained soon! And not to worry, the smut will return at some point. Not sure how long this is going to be, but there's definitely some more story I'd like to tell. **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ianto awoke with a start. He was dazed for a few moments, and then caught a glimpse of his arm. He could see the blood caked on it, and noticed that there was a hand clasped into his. He was in a vice grip, with Jack hugging him close and his legs wrapped around him. He started to panic.

_Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. Did I really just sleep with Jack? Oh shit…he saw. He saw._

Jack had obviously seen Ianto cutting before-when he caught him in the pub. But he had barely started. This was different. He full out caught him after one of his more severe episodes.

_How will I explain this? Why is he even still here? Why didn't he freak out and leave, or call the cops. Or have him committed-since he was obviously insane. _

More importantly- HE JUST FUCKED JACK HARKNESS! The realization was overwhelming, and the guilt, shame, arousal and torment was almost too much for him to bear.

Ianto started to cry. _What the fuck is wrong with me? _

Jack could feel the young man beginning to shake. He tightened his grip on him, refusing to let go. There was no way he was leaving this man's side-not while he was obviously in distress and clearly vulnerable. Not after what he had witnessed last night.

"FUCK!" Ianto screamed in agony.

Jack kissed the back of Ianto's head and stroked his hair.

"It's alright Ianto. I'm here. Just let it out" Jack soothed.

Ianto buried his face in the pillow next to him, and continued to sob. What's your problem Ianto? Crying like a school girl in front of your boss. You fucking pussy.

He was full of pain, and rage and so many other feelings he just couldn't understand. Was he gay now? Not that there was anything wrong with that-but he simply couldn't be. After all these years he told himself he would never let this happen again-and it had. Maybe it would have been better if he'd simply killed himself. It'd be easier than living like this.

Jack just held him. Inside he felt like he was dying. How could this beautiful, innocent, wonderful man be so torn? He hadn't seen another human being in this much pain in years, and it had been even longer since it had happened to someone he cared for. The feeling was excruciating. This is why he never got close. It only ended up hurting, and adding to the laundry list of painful things he shoved back in to his head. Losing Grey, for example. The pain he felt for Ianto was right up there with the pain of losing his brother. Jack had to find out what was wrong with Ianto-and more importantly-had to fix it. No matter what.

Eventually Ianto's sobs started to subside, and he just lay there shaking. Jack waited several moments, but it was Ianto who spoke first.

"Just leave Jack. I'm not worth it-god. I can't believe I'm bawling like a child in front of you-this couldn't be more humiliating." Ianto's voice was hoarse from crying.

"Ianto Jones, I'm going to make myself clear. I'm not leaving this apartment. Not until you talk to me. There's no way I'm leaving you here alone. Not after last night" Jack replied sternly.

"You're overreacting. It wasn't even that bad." Ianto replied.

"It doesn't matter how bad it was-the fact that it happened at all is terrifying. You have no idea how scared I was" Jack mumbled into the back of Ianto's neck. "we never have to do what we did last night again. We can even pretend it never happened, it's obviously upset you."

"What-no. It's not that. Last night was wonderful." Ianto felt his face reddening, "It's just-I never thought I'd allow myself to be with someone like that, especially a man, and especially not you. Not after…" Ianto stopped suddenly. He'd already said too much.

"Just forget it Jack. I'm not worth it."

"What happened Ianto? Tell me! Please I can help. Was it something I did?" Jack whispered.

"No. Nothing _you_ did. You just-brought back memories, that's all. One's that I wasn't ready to deal with, not now, not ever." Ianto murmured.

"Nothing _I_ did. Ianto? Did someone hurt you?" Jack asked, worried.

Ianto didn't reply. Jack moved back and pulled Ianto so he was looking at his face. Ianto's eyes were red, and tears were welling up in them again. He didn't need to answer-Jack already knew.

He kissed Ianto's forehead. "Ianto-I'm so sorry" Jack whispered, trying not to cry himself. The thought of someone hurting him in anyway was almost too much for him to bear.

"You don't need to tell me what happened, at least not yet. But one day I may need an explanation."

Ianto nodded. Tears started to flow down his cheeks. He reached for the bedside table and rummaged inside. He pulled out a razor blade.

"Ianto no!" Jack screamed and pulled the man's wrist toward him. He dropped the blade on the floor.

"Please Jack!" Ianto begged. "I can't stand feeling like this!" He balled up his hands into his face and muffled a scream.

Jack had an idea. If Ianto needed a release-he was going to give it to him.

Jack quickly straddled Ianto and pulled his hands away gently from his face. He raised Ianto's scarred wrist and forearm to his mouth and kissed it gently.

"Jack-what?" Ianto started to ask, but Jack silenced him with a hand over his mouth. He continued to place feather-like kisses all down Ianto's arm. Kissing the scars-the years of pain-how could Jack never have noticed? He continued kissing down Ianto's arm until he got to the crook of his neck. He nuzzled it, and then looked into Ianto's eyes.

"I'm sorry for what's happened, Ianto. And one day when you're ready, we'll talk about it. But for now, please just be with me. Just let it out, Ianto. All the hurt your feeling, let it out. Let it turn into something better. Take it out on me-but please stop hurting yourself." Jack said, with as much sincerity as he could.

"Jack-I want to trust me. But I'm not gay. And I don't understand any of this. I just don't want to get hurt-and I don't want to hurt you."

"What does being gay have to do with it? Your obviously attracted to me-"Jack let his hand wander down to Ianto's crotch, which resulted in a low, throaty moan from Ianto. "Let me be this release for you, just feel what you want-to hell with what's right. Gay has nothing to do with this. We're just two people making love. Stop overthinking things."

Jack leaned down and kissed Ianto, but he was still hesitant.

"Ianto. I would never ever hurt you. Tell me to stop and I'll stop. But I know you want this. Just let yourself go-Ianto please. Trust me." Jack whispered in his ear.

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut and moaned softly. God, he wanted this. He was just so afraid. _Stop being a coward_. He thought to himself. He looked up at Jack, who was patiently waiting, and pulled him down for a kiss.

**A/N: If the explanation doesn't seem clear-don't worry, it wasn't meant to be. More smut coming in the next chapter! Thanks for the reviews and follows! Keep 'em coming-they help a lot!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Jack gasped as Ianto kissed him. It wasn't a regular kiss-it was desperate. Ianto was snogging him with everything he had. All his pain, rage, torment was being poured into that kiss. After several moments, Jack pulled back slightly for fear that they were both going to suffocate. They stared at each other, panting and gasping for air.

"Tell me what you need, Ianto." Jack breathed. "Tell me how I can make this better."

"Just put your hands on me Jack" Ianto begged. "Everywhere, anywhere. I just need you so bad."

Jack obliged. He ran his hands up and down Ianto's chest. He resumed kissing Ianto, but it wasn't as desperate. It was slow, tender. He wanted this to be about caring-wanted Ianto to feel cared about. Not just desperate groping. He ran his tongue along the inside of Ianto's lower lip. Ianto moaned. The sound was beautiful, it made Jack's cock dance. He was determined to get Ianto to make that sound as often as possible.

He moved his lips over to Ianto's jaw. He started kissing and running his tongue along, up to Ianto's neck. He breathed deep in Ianto's ear, and ran his tongue slowly around the outer edge of his ear. Ianto moaned even louder. Jack placed a kiss just below Ianto's ear, and Ianto's hips bucked in response. He had found the sweet spot.

"Like that, do you?" Jack chuckled and kissed the spot again, sucking gently. He nibbled gently on the area and it was enough to make Ianto melt. Ianto started grinding his hips against Jack. Jack continued to work his way slowly down Ianto's neck, until he reached his chest. He took one of Ianto's nipples into his mouth and bit gently. The resulting moan was exquisite.

Jack..please..don't stop!" Ianto whimpered.

Jack continued down Ianto's stomach, kissing and nipping the sensitive skin. He paid extra attention to his hipbones. Ianto felt like he was going to burst. The teasing was torture. He started to grind up against Jack even harder, desperate for some friction. Jack grabbed his hips and held him down.

"Not yet" he whispered.

Jack continued his agonizingly slow decent to Ianto's throbbing cock. It was already fully hard and leaking pre-cum. Jack ran his thumb over the head-Ianto practically screamed. Jack grabbed Ianto's legs and placed them on his shoulders giving him better access to Ianto's cock. He finally placed the head of it in his mouth and sucked gently. Ianto whimpered. Jack slowly rolled his tongue around the tip, flicking occasionally. He looked up at Ianto-who was writhing and moaning deeply. He took Ianto in as far as he could, and then slowly licked him all the way back up to the head. Jack released Ianto briefly, and crawled back up to kiss him. Ianto kissed back enthusiastically. Jack brought two fingers up to Ianto's mouth.

"Suck" he ordered.

Ianto complied, taking Jack's fingers into his mouth and sucking them hard, swirling his tongue around them. Jack's breathing hitched, and he slid his fingers out of Ianto's mouth before he became too excited. He kissed Ianto once more and worked his way back down to Ianto's cock.

He resumed his sucking, and after a few moments, he inserted a finger into Ianto. Ianto's hips bucked in response.

"Oh god Jack!" Ianto screamed.

Jack resumed his ministrations on Ianto, slowly working his finger in and out. He resumed his work on Ianto's cock simultaneously. After a few minutes, he inserted a second finger and started to stretch and scissor Ianto, opening him up.

"Does that feel okay?" Jack asked.

Ianto simply nodded. He was sure if he spoke he would lose whatever control he currently had, and he wanted this to last.

Sensing he was ready, Jack released Ianto's cock and slid up to align himself with Ianto's entrance. He bent down to kiss Ianto once more, and looked into his eyes to be sure he was ready for what was coming. Ianto nodded again, and Jack slowly pushed into Ianto.

This time felt different. Even though they had just had sex less than 12 hours ago, that was new and unfamiliar territory. This was more comfortable, and it was for different reasons. This time felt genuine-not just some "curiosity" shagging. This time felt real. At least for Jack.

Ianto had found one thing in this world that didn't feel hopeless. And its name was Jack Harkness. When Jack moved inside of him, looked into his eyes-he felt different. He felt something more than what this was-felt a connection. For the first time in a long time, he forgot about the voices, the faces that were determined to taunt him for the rest of his life. Even though he had already slept with Jack, this time felt different. The first time, he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. This time, he knew he was. He could only help Jack remotely felt the same way-but for now he didn't care.

They came together and fell back onto the bed together. Jack lay on his back and pulled Ianto onto his chest. He stroked his hair and let his fingers trail up and down Ianto's spine. For a long time neither of them spoke. They were enjoying post-coital bliss and it was wonderful.

Eventually, Jack shifted Ianto off his chest and went to sit up. Ianto looked at him, afraid that he might leave. Jack reached down and grabbed his hand. He pulled him up for a kiss, and then pulled him to his feet.

"Come with me" Jack whispered. He led Ianto towards the bathroom, never letting go of his hand.


End file.
